Dear Very Single Heart (I counselled my heart and I felt joy)

Sometimes, the most enlightening words that can dispel the darkness gripping the course of our life will not come from mouth of well-known speakers neither from written words from self – help books’ authors or generally from other’s prodding, but will come from our own words, from the counsel of our own heart.

Last Christmas, my single heart was feeling the romance of Christmas. I might have watched too much of Hallmark movies on previous months that it caused me to feel empty in the season of reunions, weddings and gift-giving. The feeling of aloneness was even made worse with the situation that I will work on Christmas day and New Year’s eve, literally alone. I fought hard not to be given a task on the Christmas day but all my reasons were left unheard for according to our yearly work schedule, it is everyone from the team’s turn to go on holiday except me. This even before Christmas made me unhappy.

So, on early Christmas morning, I packed a portion from the food left of the Christmas eve dinner with my friends, then headed to work. As an overseas worker, I do not live with my family but I stay with friends. After 12 hours of duty, I was ready to head home. But, when I reached home, there was total darkness. I only then remembered that my friends and their children went to a short holiday getaway and left the country while I was in the office. So, I am left alone in the silent and dark house on a Christmas night.

Trust me that I have been single since forever and I know how to deal with loneliness of aloneness but not on this Christmas day.

I know the drill every single time I feel the loneliness of aloneness and singleness. I have to remember the many gifts of single life that I have. The gift of freedom, the gift of freedom and the gift of freedom. Eerrr… what are the other gifts of Single life, again, Benia?

I must be drowning with loneliness that I forgot the other gifts of single life.
I went to open the Christmas lights and cuddled my lonesome self at the couch.

I have enough of all the single life drama from my own stories and other friends, that I don’t want to make my first Christmas night alone to be a night of drama.

I put on make-up and fix my hair and prepared the table like that day was a Christmas day. I said the grace before meal and talked to the Lord to be with me and send me His angels.

As I ate, I told myself to call my family again after my dinner. I remembered all the gifts that I have received and I didn’t open yet as I waited for this Christmas night. While I ate, I dared to ask myself, “Why am I alone on this Christmas night?”

I am alone because I am overseas because of work. I am alone because I don’t have a family yet… As I chew my food inside my mouth, I chew every reason why I’m still single. An array of past situations and decisions that I made got played inside my head, of missed chances and unopenness attitude. There at that table, alone, I realized I’ve been living so comfortably and didn’t make big decisions that somehow told me I lack courage specially in the area of dating. I made myself to stay in the safe zone and did not make myself open to possibilities. I have not executed my plans to find ways of meeting new people and even listened to my doubts that I rejected past invitations.

I reassured my heart:

“I am not making things hard for myself while I tried to answer that question, “Why am I alone on this Christmas?” I am making things happen, heart. Because we don’t want to be like this every single Christmas to come. This set up will be just temporary.”

It was like a root-cause analysis and implementing corrective – preventive actions, my actual job skill, that I am doing on my actual life.

I counselled my heart not to be lonely with this literal emptiness but to be grateful because there is a chance to change the course of the direction of my life. That this night is a night where the Lord is showing what is important to me and that is relationship, of good relationships. Good relationships that define the meaning and joy in my life, that my decision should be based first and foremost by the question of who and not secondary by why.

I countinued to counsel my heart while I cleared the table and washed the dishes, to revive all the true friendships I have lost along the way and keep those that profoundly matter and drop all those who are exactly opposite, the users and the energy – drainers and the self – righteous. I also counselled my heart to identify what type of events to drop out of my life.

By the end of my dinner and done with packing of another food portion that I will bring for the next day’s work, I felt the revival of my heart. I felt so happy. In this solitude, I counselled my heart and I felt joy.

Before going to sleep, I opened all presents I received from friends and sent a thank-you- message to each one. Then, I called my parents and sister for another greeting for I already talked to them during the Christmas eve. I said a prayer of gratitude and I switched – on my lamp stand happy and at peace.

Dear Single Me, thank you for allowing your heart to understand your mistakes. Thank you, heart, for your courage and hope.

__________

Maybe as the new year starts, why not take a good amount of quality time of understanding, listening and speaking of your heart to your heart?

__________

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Please leave a comment of how your last Christmas Eve or Day went. I would love to hear it.

Love and Beauty,

B