Dear Ate B (Sister Asked; Benia Replies)

Dear Sis B, How To Patiently Wait When You Really Want to Settle Down And Raise A Family?

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Dear Sister,

May the peace of Christ be with you.

I see that you are in your middle 30’s and by the usual standard of the medical world, has a higher risk in pregnancy. I guess that might be one of the reasons why this “eagerness” for marriage at this time. Had you asked me this question maybe a year or two earlier, I would have a completely different answer.  Maybe I would have told you to make an overhaul of your appearance or change the way you relate to men or something like changing your persona. I’m just glad this question didn’t come at that time because after attending the retreat for mature ladies, my view of the pain of failed marriages got real and the wrath that it can bring to aggrieved party is worth putting all our thoughts into deciding who to marry and when do we get married.

As Singles for Christ for many years and for many even coming from Youth for Christ, we are used to seeing and encountering happy and praying couples. Not that I am complaining about it, but a blessing to be witness of praying, happy and fruitful marriages, we are not used to hearing the pains of failed marriages to women/wives. I only heard of woes and cries of children of broken marriages but only recently did I hear ex-wife shared about it.

So, sister, once again, I know just like me this has been your mantra and we need to hang on this – please refrain from choosing to be married to anyone who just happens to be the only one available even you know it very well that this person would not bring you closer to the Lord. If you don’t see anyone worthy of your time, your sacrifices and your body, stay single. STAY SINGLE and wait. Actively.

We all believe that the Lord has His own perfect timing. So, while we wait patiently and graciously until we are led to the place or activity where we will meet Mr The One. Here are things that we possibly can spend our time, talents and treasure on which I believe would be pleasing to the Lord, too. ( I have a bunch of reasons but I tried to be concise and hopefully was effective.)

  1. Build your relationship with the Lord. I am writing a book on building a relationship with Him. I can write thousand of thousands of words, but as a start -up, assign a prayer time and be committed to grow that prayer time! This is the greatest, growing and continuing adventure with the Lord. After 16 years of prayer time, I still am an infant to His truth and learnings!
  2. Continue to know yourself through building personal relationships with family members, community members or well – selected workmates. I’ve been in the community for almost half of my life and one thing I really am sure of : No man is an island. We can be single but not ALONE. Isolation is different from spending quality time with yourself. This is the magic that I realised, when you create true personal relationships you build your own identity! Further, this is the age of virtuality, make your presence felt! Destroy your avatar and live each moment! This is the path of true relationships!
  3. Be sure that you are ready to settle down. Wanting to settle down is different from being ready to settle down. Are your ready for a lifetime commitment for new people in your life? Here are few things to consider:
    • Build savings and do not accumulate credit cards. Savings meaning this is the money that is reserved for future use. I have many reasons to say but I will compress everything to one. When is the best time to save? Now! When you do not have anyone yet who is by law must be under your care.
    • If procrastination is borrowing time in the future, using credit card is borrowing money from your future. You want something great in the future, so don’t borrow from your future.
    • Is your body physically ready for the family you wish to raise? There was a time that I purposely refrain from dating and joining the dating arena because I don’t want to tell the guy, that my wound surgery is aching. I want to be well both in body and mind before I date again. (But a friend told me that I need to expose my need for help too, to my husband to be. So, it’s Ok to say if I am not really feeling well.)
    • Build and grow in your career or service (it can be developing your talents, fulfilling your childhood dreams) because when you get married, your set of priorities will change. This is the wisdom I heard from my happily-married friends.)
  4. Know your family tree. It’s time to spend quality time not just with your parents and make plans to reunite or know your entire clan.
  5. Go back to number 1. Items here are so huge. I know one day before all this active waiting is done, Mr The One will come along. And I know, you will know him because you have been preparing for his arrival.

I will pray for you Sister.

Let’s enjoy this season.

Love and Beauty,

Benia

PS. A lot of friends have been telling me that I look so “blooming” these days. I just tell them that maybe it’s because of my phone? But you know, I have a deeper reason. When I surrendered everything and completely my “eagerness” to be married to the Lord, a lot of people has started to take note of that certain change in my smile, in my humour, in my joy. And I can’t deny the difference, too.

We have a good God. Let’s trust His planning.

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